eloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and
be in health , just as your soul prospers. - 3 John 1:2
be in health , just as your soul prospers. - 3 John 1:2
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B
This is a question that all people should ask themselves in any type of relationship. For this journey,
however, I will only focus on intimate male/female relationships. This includes marriage, committed
partnerships and divorcees. The path for this journey is not defined, but written with complete honesty. In
order to help you evaluate your particular life, I will share my own personal story. My story is not based on
what I’ve read, what someone told me, or on things I saw. It is based on my very life. I will share very
intimate things from my own heart. It took years before I could share, because abused people are usually
afraid and ashamed to stand up. Abusers count on this behavior, because it allows them to continue the cycle
of abuse. Growth, courage, and strength come at different times for each person. When you get to that point,
you have a responsibility to stand up and help someone else. I praise God that I am finally at that point!
however, I will only focus on intimate male/female relationships. This includes marriage, committed
partnerships and divorcees. The path for this journey is not defined, but written with complete honesty. In
order to help you evaluate your particular life, I will share my own personal story. My story is not based on
what I’ve read, what someone told me, or on things I saw. It is based on my very life. I will share very
intimate things from my own heart. It took years before I could share, because abused people are usually
afraid and ashamed to stand up. Abusers count on this behavior, because it allows them to continue the cycle
of abuse. Growth, courage, and strength come at different times for each person. When you get to that point,
you have a responsibility to stand up and help someone else. I praise God that I am finally at that point!
| Copyright T Gordon 2007. Whole Souls Organization All rights reserved. Do not copy, distribute or use any part of this work without express, written permission from the creator of Whole Souls, T Gordon. |
Infatuation, Healthy Jealousy, Abuse or Love?
The Beginning
A beautiful smile is what started my journey into the 16-year downhill spiral
of me. I always thought of myself as outgoing, friendly, kind, bright and
intelligent. I grew up in a house where physical violence took place almost
daily. Because of this, I thought I would be able to recognize abuse. I
witnessed hitting, choking, kicking, screaming, and slapping. I never knew
that there were other ways unkind behavior is wrapped up and served as the
gift called abuse.
A beautiful smile is what started my journey into the 16-year downhill spiral
of me. I always thought of myself as outgoing, friendly, kind, bright and
intelligent. I grew up in a house where physical violence took place almost
daily. Because of this, I thought I would be able to recognize abuse. I
witnessed hitting, choking, kicking, screaming, and slapping. I never knew
that there were other ways unkind behavior is wrapped up and served as the
gift called abuse.
| If you have any questions regarding abuse and need immediate help please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE or visit their website: National Domestic Violence Hotline |
My ex-husband had a very nice smile and was extremely charming. I was caught up in this and I was
not paying attention to the subtle hints. Almost from the beginning, he started telling me he loved me.
Since I had just broken up from a long term relationship, I was flattered at the attention and care he
consistently showed. However, it was not the type of attention that was healthy or needed. He ‘loved’
me so much, he did not want my long hair down because other men would be jealous and want me.
Unless I was with him, I could only wear a dress or a skirt. Since men were attracted to women with
large bottoms, pants were never a ‘good idea’. I slowly started spending ALL of my time with him,
because after all if you love a man you can’t possibly go one day without seeing him. My best friends
had to understand I did not need to talk to them, because they should know telepathically that they
were still a big part of my mind. (yes, I am being sarcastic here.)
After we were married, I took the role of being submissive from the start, I cooked every meal, did all the
grocery shopping, and washed his clothes. I was raised in the church and I believed strongly that
Ephesians 5 only had one and a half verses. Can you guess which ones? Of course you can, Ephesians 5:
22-23*
I never even required him to make an effort at courting me. I jumped into his family issues, became his
counselor and problem solver because he ‘loved’ and ‘needed’ me so very much. I never opened my eyes
to what was really going on. He did not want to carry any responsibility of the relationship. I actually
enjoyed taking care of him, because it felt good to be ‘wanted’. I soon realized that he did not use his
two feet to stand on, he used them to follow me around and manipulate me into solely catering for his
every whim. After all, it was my responsibility to take care of him, right? Wrong!
I want all women to note that it is not our job to ‘take care’ of men. In order to build a rock solid
foundation, each person must be healthy in their minds and whole in their spirits. Each person should
know how to problem solve and deal with their own situations wisely. This is not to say that we don’t
ever need help, but it is to say that no one person should solely depend on you to meet their every need,
and vice versa. Each person must also have a healthy dose of self-esteem.
Women are nurturers by nature, but in a relationship, take the time to learn what type of man you are
dealing with. Allow him to show you the kind of person he actually is. In marriage, the man is also
supposed to be the head. In order for the man to effectively lead you, you have to be able to trust him.
Trust should be earned, not just given lightly.
It was not until years alter after my divorce that I realized, part of the abuse I experienced was my fault. I
could not blame him 100% for the things that happened. It was my responsibility to get the type of
respect that I wanted. I was young and lived for the moment. I did not take the time to ask myself the
one big question. “Could I live like this forever?” (to be continued...)
*Ephesians 5:22-24 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ
is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives
should submit to their husbands in everything.
(Please read the entire chapter of Ephesians 5. This is a passage that should be respected and honored in
its entirety. )
Please check back for part two to this touching journey, “Can I live like this forever?”
not paying attention to the subtle hints. Almost from the beginning, he started telling me he loved me.
Since I had just broken up from a long term relationship, I was flattered at the attention and care he
consistently showed. However, it was not the type of attention that was healthy or needed. He ‘loved’
me so much, he did not want my long hair down because other men would be jealous and want me.
Unless I was with him, I could only wear a dress or a skirt. Since men were attracted to women with
large bottoms, pants were never a ‘good idea’. I slowly started spending ALL of my time with him,
because after all if you love a man you can’t possibly go one day without seeing him. My best friends
had to understand I did not need to talk to them, because they should know telepathically that they
were still a big part of my mind. (yes, I am being sarcastic here.)
After we were married, I took the role of being submissive from the start, I cooked every meal, did all the
grocery shopping, and washed his clothes. I was raised in the church and I believed strongly that
Ephesians 5 only had one and a half verses. Can you guess which ones? Of course you can, Ephesians 5:
22-23*
I never even required him to make an effort at courting me. I jumped into his family issues, became his
counselor and problem solver because he ‘loved’ and ‘needed’ me so very much. I never opened my eyes
to what was really going on. He did not want to carry any responsibility of the relationship. I actually
enjoyed taking care of him, because it felt good to be ‘wanted’. I soon realized that he did not use his
two feet to stand on, he used them to follow me around and manipulate me into solely catering for his
every whim. After all, it was my responsibility to take care of him, right? Wrong!
I want all women to note that it is not our job to ‘take care’ of men. In order to build a rock solid
foundation, each person must be healthy in their minds and whole in their spirits. Each person should
know how to problem solve and deal with their own situations wisely. This is not to say that we don’t
ever need help, but it is to say that no one person should solely depend on you to meet their every need,
and vice versa. Each person must also have a healthy dose of self-esteem.
Women are nurturers by nature, but in a relationship, take the time to learn what type of man you are
dealing with. Allow him to show you the kind of person he actually is. In marriage, the man is also
supposed to be the head. In order for the man to effectively lead you, you have to be able to trust him.
Trust should be earned, not just given lightly.
It was not until years alter after my divorce that I realized, part of the abuse I experienced was my fault. I
could not blame him 100% for the things that happened. It was my responsibility to get the type of
respect that I wanted. I was young and lived for the moment. I did not take the time to ask myself the
one big question. “Could I live like this forever?” (to be continued...)
*Ephesians 5:22-24 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ
is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives
should submit to their husbands in everything.
(Please read the entire chapter of Ephesians 5. This is a passage that should be respected and honored in
its entirety. )
Please check back for part two to this touching journey, “Can I live like this forever?”
| This section will chronicle one woman's journey of abuse within her relationship and marriage. She has chosen to remain anonymous. It will be presented in parts so please check back periodically for updates. This article is informational and is not intended to give advice. If you need help regarding abuse, please see The National Domestic Violence Hotline Information below. For comments, questions or feedback about this particular article please email: toiah@wholesoulsonline.org |
What is Domestic Violence?
Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or
maintain power and control over an intimate partner.
Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that
influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate,
hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound someone.
Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. It
can happen to couples who are married, living together or who are dating. Domestic violence affects
people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.
You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if your partner:
You may be in a sexually abusive relationship if your partner:
Source: National Domestic Violence Hotline
Domestic violence can be defined as a pattern of behavior in any relationship that is used to gain or
maintain power and control over an intimate partner.
Abuse is physical, sexual, emotional, economic or psychological actions or threats of actions that
influence another person. This includes any behaviors that frighten, intimidate, terrorize, manipulate,
hurt, humiliate, blame, injure or wound someone.
Domestic violence can happen to anyone of any race, age, sexual orientation, religion or gender. It
can happen to couples who are married, living together or who are dating. Domestic violence affects
people of all socioeconomic backgrounds and education levels.
You may be in an emotionally abusive relationship if your partner:
 | Calls you names, insults you or continually criticizes you. | |
| Does not trust you and acts jealous or possessive. | |
| Tries to isolate you from family or friends. | |
| Monitors where you go, who you call and who you spend time with. | |
| Does not want you to work. | |
| Controls finances or refuses to share money. | |
| Punishes you by withholding affection. | |
| Expects you to ask permission. | |
| Threatens to hurt you, the children, your family or your pets. | |
| Humiliates you in any way. | |
| You may be in a physically abusive relationship if your partner has ever: | |
| Damaged property when angry (thrown objects, punched walls, kicked doors, etc.). | |
| Pushed, slapped, bitten, kicked or choked you. | |
| Abandoned you in a dangerous or unfamiliar place. | |
| Scared you by driving recklessly. | |
| Used a weapon to threaten or hurt you. | |
| Forced you to leave your home. | |
| Trapped you in your home or kept you from leaving. | |
| Prevented you from calling police or seeking medical attention. | |
| Hurt your children. | |
| Used physical force in sexual situations. |
You may be in a sexually abusive relationship if your partner:
| Views women as objects and believes in rigid gender roles. | |
| Accuses you of cheating or is often jealous of your outside relationships. | |
| Wants you to dress in a sexual way. | |
| Insults you in sexual ways or calls you sexual names. | |
| Has ever forced or manipulated you into to having sex or performing sexual acts. | |
| Held you down during sex. | |
| Demanded sex when you were sick, tired or after beating you. | |
| Hurt you with weapons or objects during sex. | |
| Involved other people in sexual activities with you. | |
| Ignored your feelings regarding sex. |
Source: National Domestic Violence Hotline
Domestic Violence Facts
I believe we left off at the nagging question "Can I live like this forever?" This is a
question, you have to ask yourself. I thought I could because, frankly I didn't believe
in divorce. I thought if I got divorced, I would surely go to hell. I also believed my
marriage was some sort of punishment due to the fact that I got pregnant before I
married or, because I actually had broken off a long term relationship with someone I
was very much in love with, without giving him an explanation. All of these factors
made me feel as if I deserved to be miserable. This of course was not true.
Every person is entitled to live a life free of abuse and/or mistreatment. I want you to
understand in this life mistakes will be made, some mistakes can never be reversed,
but bad relationships aren't one of them. Many of you have had this question at
some point in your life. If you haven't one day you will and I hope you remember
this message from me and answer it honestly.
I knew before I walked down the aisle, that I didn't want to marry him. However, I
went through with it, because my mom had already paid for my wedding. I also
thought that she would be embarrassed at church and would turn her back on me
and my child. This was nothing but a mind trick of the enemy. My mother has
always been there for me, but I am using this to show you how we get ourselves
messed up because of guilt.
question, you have to ask yourself. I thought I could because, frankly I didn't believe
in divorce. I thought if I got divorced, I would surely go to hell. I also believed my
marriage was some sort of punishment due to the fact that I got pregnant before I
married or, because I actually had broken off a long term relationship with someone I
was very much in love with, without giving him an explanation. All of these factors
made me feel as if I deserved to be miserable. This of course was not true.
Every person is entitled to live a life free of abuse and/or mistreatment. I want you to
understand in this life mistakes will be made, some mistakes can never be reversed,
but bad relationships aren't one of them. Many of you have had this question at
some point in your life. If you haven't one day you will and I hope you remember
this message from me and answer it honestly.
I knew before I walked down the aisle, that I didn't want to marry him. However, I
went through with it, because my mom had already paid for my wedding. I also
thought that she would be embarrassed at church and would turn her back on me
and my child. This was nothing but a mind trick of the enemy. My mother has
always been there for me, but I am using this to show you how we get ourselves
messed up because of guilt.
Hello Everyone,
First let me give my apologies for just continuing my path with you all. I should
have done it months ago, but I got tied up with some personal things and honestly
I just let it slip. Now for part 2 of my story, Can I Live Like This Forever?
First let me give my apologies for just continuing my path with you all. I should
have done it months ago, but I got tied up with some personal things and honestly
I just let it slip. Now for part 2 of my story, Can I Live Like This Forever?
I always knew I was not in love with the man I was married to, but he was nice enough. I was still in love with
someone else and over the years of my marriage I always knew my heart belonged to the other person. On the
day I got married, my ex-husband and I were not even on speaking terms. We argued until 3 am that very
morning. Our wedding was at 11 am, and as I walked down the aisle, I silently wished I could turn back the
hands of time. After the ceremony, I cried for several hours, because I wanted to go home (to my mommy).
You see, my inner voice wasn't just talking, it was screaming bloody murder Please trust yourself! That inner
voice may not mean the relationship is over, the voice could simply be telling you to readjust some things you
are not comfortable with. Even while we were dating I felt like I was living under a microscope and constant
criticism. I did not like being accused of cheating. In my case, I should never have continued the relationship. I
realized I was making this mistake because my heart was shattered from my previous relationship. I really was
not in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship, let alone pregnant and getting married too. I told my ex-
husband very early on that I was in love with someone else and I would NEVER open up that part of my heart
to him or anyone else. I know that It was a disaster from the start, but because I was so hurt by the person I
was in love with, I allowed myself to keep spiraling down in this toxic relationship.
My ex-husband just didn't have the maturity to win me over. I never thought I would see the man that I was
truly in love with again. Because of this and my children, I thought I would stay in the marriage for the rest of
my life. My mind wasn't healthy enough to realize the environment wasn't good for my kids.. I was constantly
told what to wear. I wasn't allowed to go out with anyone. I was a stay-at –home mom for 6 years and that in
itself, kept me trapped and out of contact with people for the most part. I couldn't talk to any men at church, or
I would be accused of wanting to be with them. I was forced to have sex, even when I didn't want to. He never
thought about how I felt, he just wanted power to fulfill his lust.
I call it sex because there was no time, love, tenderness, concern or compassion about how I felt. I am sure some
of you have been there. I would also venture to say even as a wife, you can be raped. I remember one incident
very clearly, like yesterday. I said "NO" and I can tell you that statement wasn't well received and the act
continued. The next day my wrists were a very pretty bluish/purple color. I knew it was not supposed to be
that way.
Now, I didn't just take it without attempting to do something about it, I told two people in my church that I
very much respected but, they said nothing to him. I truly believe that if one of them would have talked to
him, he may have changed. But I am unsure, because no one had the courage to speak to him about it. I never
said anything else about it the abuse I suffered for the next 10 years of my marriage.
By the end of my marriage, most sex took place with either manipulation, including a knife or gun on the
nightstand and him high on drugs (yes, that started later, but that is for another path). I was at the point
where I became nauseous at just the thought of sex. If you keep yourself in unhealthy relationships, bad
feelings can stay with you for a long time. I was away from my ex for over 2 years, before I could even think of
intimacy without feeling extremely ill.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please look at relationships with open eyes. Talk to the person about things you don't
like. NEVER try to make a person change, you can simply just pick someone that has the qualities you want or
desire. This is not to say that someone will ONLY possess qualities we like. But we should not spend a lifetime
or courtship time trying to re-invent someone’s already broken, cracked or twisted wheel. Some of us spend our
time with a wheel that can't even be put back on.....My readers trust me, a little patience and self-respect can
save you years of pain and misery.
I HAVE SURVIVED. I am also happy to report that this year, I am going to be married to the person I was in
love with all these years. God can do anything but fail. Always have faith in God and in yourself. Anyone can
re-gain their life with hope, faith, courage, strength and determination. Until I explore the next part of the path
begins, keep this with you. Trust your inner voice.
someone else and over the years of my marriage I always knew my heart belonged to the other person. On the
day I got married, my ex-husband and I were not even on speaking terms. We argued until 3 am that very
morning. Our wedding was at 11 am, and as I walked down the aisle, I silently wished I could turn back the
hands of time. After the ceremony, I cried for several hours, because I wanted to go home (to my mommy).
You see, my inner voice wasn't just talking, it was screaming bloody murder Please trust yourself! That inner
voice may not mean the relationship is over, the voice could simply be telling you to readjust some things you
are not comfortable with. Even while we were dating I felt like I was living under a microscope and constant
criticism. I did not like being accused of cheating. In my case, I should never have continued the relationship. I
realized I was making this mistake because my heart was shattered from my previous relationship. I really was
not in the right frame of mind to be in a relationship, let alone pregnant and getting married too. I told my ex-
husband very early on that I was in love with someone else and I would NEVER open up that part of my heart
to him or anyone else. I know that It was a disaster from the start, but because I was so hurt by the person I
was in love with, I allowed myself to keep spiraling down in this toxic relationship.
My ex-husband just didn't have the maturity to win me over. I never thought I would see the man that I was
truly in love with again. Because of this and my children, I thought I would stay in the marriage for the rest of
my life. My mind wasn't healthy enough to realize the environment wasn't good for my kids.. I was constantly
told what to wear. I wasn't allowed to go out with anyone. I was a stay-at –home mom for 6 years and that in
itself, kept me trapped and out of contact with people for the most part. I couldn't talk to any men at church, or
I would be accused of wanting to be with them. I was forced to have sex, even when I didn't want to. He never
thought about how I felt, he just wanted power to fulfill his lust.
I call it sex because there was no time, love, tenderness, concern or compassion about how I felt. I am sure some
of you have been there. I would also venture to say even as a wife, you can be raped. I remember one incident
very clearly, like yesterday. I said "NO" and I can tell you that statement wasn't well received and the act
continued. The next day my wrists were a very pretty bluish/purple color. I knew it was not supposed to be
that way.
Now, I didn't just take it without attempting to do something about it, I told two people in my church that I
very much respected but, they said nothing to him. I truly believe that if one of them would have talked to
him, he may have changed. But I am unsure, because no one had the courage to speak to him about it. I never
said anything else about it the abuse I suffered for the next 10 years of my marriage.
By the end of my marriage, most sex took place with either manipulation, including a knife or gun on the
nightstand and him high on drugs (yes, that started later, but that is for another path). I was at the point
where I became nauseous at just the thought of sex. If you keep yourself in unhealthy relationships, bad
feelings can stay with you for a long time. I was away from my ex for over 2 years, before I could even think of
intimacy without feeling extremely ill.
Ladies and Gentlemen, please look at relationships with open eyes. Talk to the person about things you don't
like. NEVER try to make a person change, you can simply just pick someone that has the qualities you want or
desire. This is not to say that someone will ONLY possess qualities we like. But we should not spend a lifetime
or courtship time trying to re-invent someone’s already broken, cracked or twisted wheel. Some of us spend our
time with a wheel that can't even be put back on.....My readers trust me, a little patience and self-respect can
save you years of pain and misery.
I HAVE SURVIVED. I am also happy to report that this year, I am going to be married to the person I was in
love with all these years. God can do anything but fail. Always have faith in God and in yourself. Anyone can
re-gain their life with hope, faith, courage, strength and determination. Until I explore the next part of the path
begins, keep this with you. Trust your inner voice.