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eloved, I pray that you may prosper in all things and
be in health , just as your soul prospers. - 3 John 1:2
be in health , just as your soul prospers. - 3 John 1:2
B
By Dietric Williams
| We all want to know what great men really think right? So, this section will provide you with some insight into the minds of our beloved brothers... Enjoy! |
Psalm 7:8
Let the LORD judge the peoples. Judge me, O LORD, according to my righteousness, according to my
integrity, O Most High.
I am really starting to agree with the sentiment that nice guys finish last. I, being one of many nice
guys, have come to accumulate several meaningful & platonic friendships over the years. None of
which, I might add, started off as me wanting to be placed in a position that I like to call the surrogate
boyfriend. Ladies, I am sure many of you have one or two close male companions that you share very
personal (sometimes confidential) information with. In fact, you dare not even tell your boyfriends this
information!
What exactly is the surrogate boyfriend you ask? The surrogate boyfriend is a guy who has emotional
& romantic feelings for you, yet has fallen into the infamous friend zone because you are either 1) are
already committed to someone else or 2) aren’t attracted to said pursuer in a romantic sort of way. But
here’s the kicker! Once women find out that there is a space in this man’s heart with your name
written all over it, they tend to take advantage of the situation. Here is where all the parties involved
seem to lose a bit of their integrity.
Let the LORD judge the peoples. Judge me, O LORD, according to my righteousness, according to my
integrity, O Most High.
I am really starting to agree with the sentiment that nice guys finish last. I, being one of many nice
guys, have come to accumulate several meaningful & platonic friendships over the years. None of
which, I might add, started off as me wanting to be placed in a position that I like to call the surrogate
boyfriend. Ladies, I am sure many of you have one or two close male companions that you share very
personal (sometimes confidential) information with. In fact, you dare not even tell your boyfriends this
information!
What exactly is the surrogate boyfriend you ask? The surrogate boyfriend is a guy who has emotional
& romantic feelings for you, yet has fallen into the infamous friend zone because you are either 1) are
already committed to someone else or 2) aren’t attracted to said pursuer in a romantic sort of way. But
here’s the kicker! Once women find out that there is a space in this man’s heart with your name
written all over it, they tend to take advantage of the situation. Here is where all the parties involved
seem to lose a bit of their integrity.
The question then arises, what could or should be done about it state of affairs? I’ve spoken to Rob on
frequent occasions and told him to stop always being available to Rhonda. Clearly a line must be
drawn here and since Rhonda isn’t going to do it, Rob must be a man and sketch that line. I bet the
majority of you are probably saying that Rob shouldn’t have allowed it to even get to this point (you
might even be calling him a pushover). I agree! But the heart wants what it wants when it comes to
love (although scripture tells us that the heart is deceitfully wicked, who can know it?). How many of
us have been in love (or if we are honest about it, in LUST) and disregarded common sense & sound
reasoning pursuing people and things we know we should have left alone? We push & push & push,
hoping that one day our efforts will cause the door to become ajar giving us just enough room to
squeeze ourselves in. What winds up happening, more or less, is that ones emotions slide thru the
door, before the rest of you.
Leaving you exposed and in a condition to be taken advantage of. Human beings are interesting
creatures. We may boast the best of intentions, but sometimes we allow our flesh to get in the way and
choose to benefit from certain situations. This is where men can get pulled into the surrogate boyfriend
role. Once inside, it’s complicated to get out of because, in the back of our minds, we figure that we still
have a fighting chance to win this woman over. Rob thought this way too until he found out that
Rhonda’s boyfriend was planning to propose marriage (which she had talked to Rob about on frequent
occasions). Once it became more apparent that Rob was officially out of the game he became bitter,
angry, and heartbroken. The line he should have drawn not only got drawn for him; it was scribbled
all over his face. Consequently, Rob's actions toward Rhonda changed. And much to her dismay Rob
became somewhat distant which took a toll on their friendship. Rob, the nice guy that he is, came in
last. He didn’t get the girl and in fact, damaged a very good camaraderie. Was it his fault, Rhonda’s
fault, or just plain bad timing? I would venture to say it was a bit of each; Rhonda had given early
warning signs that she wasn’t interested in Rob. Had he read deeper into her clues this incident may
have been avoided. And even though Rhonda wasn't interested she continued to allow Rob to fulfill
her down time as if he was her actual boyfriend. The bad timing was on Rob's part (he let Rhonda
know his true feelings at a point where she wasn't even desiring a romantic relationship). Contrary to
what all is friends were saying he proceeded with trying to court someone who wasn’t at the same
point in their life as he was. Rob should’ve played the waiting game or simply picked a more opportune
moment to share his thoughts with her.
Today Rob & Rhonda remain friends, but anyone inside their circle can see that things between them
aren't quite right. True friends are a rarity to find and even more difficult to obtain between genders.
My advice to you in situations like this..."let your yes be yes, and no be no." In plain terms, don't let
your actions contradict what you speak either verbally or in silence. Or you might just find yourself as
a surrogate significant other.
As always my sisters be blessed, be encouraged, and prosper!
frequent occasions and told him to stop always being available to Rhonda. Clearly a line must be
drawn here and since Rhonda isn’t going to do it, Rob must be a man and sketch that line. I bet the
majority of you are probably saying that Rob shouldn’t have allowed it to even get to this point (you
might even be calling him a pushover). I agree! But the heart wants what it wants when it comes to
love (although scripture tells us that the heart is deceitfully wicked, who can know it?). How many of
us have been in love (or if we are honest about it, in LUST) and disregarded common sense & sound
reasoning pursuing people and things we know we should have left alone? We push & push & push,
hoping that one day our efforts will cause the door to become ajar giving us just enough room to
squeeze ourselves in. What winds up happening, more or less, is that ones emotions slide thru the
door, before the rest of you.
Leaving you exposed and in a condition to be taken advantage of. Human beings are interesting
creatures. We may boast the best of intentions, but sometimes we allow our flesh to get in the way and
choose to benefit from certain situations. This is where men can get pulled into the surrogate boyfriend
role. Once inside, it’s complicated to get out of because, in the back of our minds, we figure that we still
have a fighting chance to win this woman over. Rob thought this way too until he found out that
Rhonda’s boyfriend was planning to propose marriage (which she had talked to Rob about on frequent
occasions). Once it became more apparent that Rob was officially out of the game he became bitter,
angry, and heartbroken. The line he should have drawn not only got drawn for him; it was scribbled
all over his face. Consequently, Rob's actions toward Rhonda changed. And much to her dismay Rob
became somewhat distant which took a toll on their friendship. Rob, the nice guy that he is, came in
last. He didn’t get the girl and in fact, damaged a very good camaraderie. Was it his fault, Rhonda’s
fault, or just plain bad timing? I would venture to say it was a bit of each; Rhonda had given early
warning signs that she wasn’t interested in Rob. Had he read deeper into her clues this incident may
have been avoided. And even though Rhonda wasn't interested she continued to allow Rob to fulfill
her down time as if he was her actual boyfriend. The bad timing was on Rob's part (he let Rhonda
know his true feelings at a point where she wasn't even desiring a romantic relationship). Contrary to
what all is friends were saying he proceeded with trying to court someone who wasn’t at the same
point in their life as he was. Rob should’ve played the waiting game or simply picked a more opportune
moment to share his thoughts with her.
Today Rob & Rhonda remain friends, but anyone inside their circle can see that things between them
aren't quite right. True friends are a rarity to find and even more difficult to obtain between genders.
My advice to you in situations like this..."let your yes be yes, and no be no." In plain terms, don't let
your actions contradict what you speak either verbally or in silence. Or you might just find yourself as
a surrogate significant other.
As always my sisters be blessed, be encouraged, and prosper!
| The Surrogate Boyfriend This month's article deals with an issue that all of us have faced at one time or another. Whether you are the surrogate or the heart-breaker, there are valuable lessons to be learned. Enjoy! |
Let’s analyze my friend Rob. Rob has admired a beautiful, intelligent,
and professional young woman (Rhonda) for the past several years. He
has let those feelings be known to her on several occasions. But, Rhonda
is in a very committed relationship with someone at this time. In fact,
Rhonda and her beau are contemplating marriage. Rob, has since given
up on pursuing Rhonda as a love interest and continues to remain
friends with her. They even go out to dinner, the movies, shopping, etc.
from time to time. When Rhonda’s boyfriend is around, Rob never hears
from her. The moment Rhonda’s boyfriend is busy or doesn’t have
much time to spend with her, she calls Rob. Hmmm, what is wrong
with this picture? Rhonda seems to be enjoying the fact that she can
have her cake and eat it to. Getting the best of both worlds (she has a
committed boyfriend but can also use Rob to fill voids that her actual
boyfriend can’t). Maybe it’s me, but that is just WRONG! .
and professional young woman (Rhonda) for the past several years. He
has let those feelings be known to her on several occasions. But, Rhonda
is in a very committed relationship with someone at this time. In fact,
Rhonda and her beau are contemplating marriage. Rob, has since given
up on pursuing Rhonda as a love interest and continues to remain
friends with her. They even go out to dinner, the movies, shopping, etc.
from time to time. When Rhonda’s boyfriend is around, Rob never hears
from her. The moment Rhonda’s boyfriend is busy or doesn’t have
much time to spend with her, she calls Rob. Hmmm, what is wrong
with this picture? Rhonda seems to be enjoying the fact that she can
have her cake and eat it to. Getting the best of both worlds (she has a
committed boyfriend but can also use Rob to fill voids that her actual
boyfriend can’t). Maybe it’s me, but that is just WRONG! .
Have you ever been a situation like the
one above? Please let us know here
one above? Please let us know here
Dear Dietric:
How are you? I wanted to ask your advice on something that has recently been
brought to my attention. My girlfriend was dating this guy and she was good
about “holding out” sexually. After a few months of dating, she finally decided to
sleep with him. Just a few nights ago she told me about it. She mentioned to me
that after that she got what she wanted from him, she no longer shared feelings for
him anymore. My friend made a remark to me saying, “What’s the use in being
celibate when the relationship will eventually lead to heartbreak?
I’m pretty disturbed about this now because I believe that sleeping around [casual
sex] is dishonoring to oneself. In my past, I admit to dishonoring myself by doing
the same thing my friend did. I want to tell her that she should stop that kind of
behavior but I don’t want sound like a hypocrite. It just bothers me how she sees
it all as a game. It bothers me even more that she is a Christian too. All I could
do during our conversation was listen and not say a word! She also commented
that, ‘The older you get, the more casual you are about sex.” I totally disagree
with that statement. This is obviously bothering me a lot. So what should I do?
How are you? I wanted to ask your advice on something that has recently been
brought to my attention. My girlfriend was dating this guy and she was good
about “holding out” sexually. After a few months of dating, she finally decided to
sleep with him. Just a few nights ago she told me about it. She mentioned to me
that after that she got what she wanted from him, she no longer shared feelings for
him anymore. My friend made a remark to me saying, “What’s the use in being
celibate when the relationship will eventually lead to heartbreak?
I’m pretty disturbed about this now because I believe that sleeping around [casual
sex] is dishonoring to oneself. In my past, I admit to dishonoring myself by doing
the same thing my friend did. I want to tell her that she should stop that kind of
behavior but I don’t want sound like a hypocrite. It just bothers me how she sees
it all as a game. It bothers me even more that she is a Christian too. All I could
do during our conversation was listen and not say a word! She also commented
that, ‘The older you get, the more casual you are about sex.” I totally disagree
with that statement. This is obviously bothering me a lot. So what should I do?
First off I want to commend her for holding out as long as she did. However, she opened the door to an
attack on her soul. What am I talking about you might ask? I’m speaking of the concept (the very real
concept) of “soul ties”. When God created man, he offered him a helpmate so that man wouldn’t be lonely.
In Genesis 2:24 we see the first concept of earthly marriage (the covenant between man, woman, and God).
As you read the text you’ll come across the resounding passage that “the two will become one flesh”.
Simply put it means that two will become one in mind, body, and spirit. In a God-ordained marriage that
bond is a beautiful thing (in fact it’s the perfect relationship analogous to Christ’s love for the church). But
outside of those realms it becomes a curse. When we engage in sexual activity we are depositing a portion of
our spirit with that other person. God never intended it to be like that, but the introduction of sin into the
world has led this to be a major issue in the lives of believers and unbelievers alike. Think of it as a
handprint. Everything we touch leaves a print. Now imagine all the handprints that are on the
doorknobs/handles of a public facility. Now consider all the germs that accompany those handprints.
So it is with sex. Every person who engages in pre-marital sex passes on that “germ” (aka that portion of
their spirit) onto the next person, who passes it on to the next person and so on and so forth. The only
way to break the cycle of passing germs is to wash your hands on a consistent basis. And that is what
happens when we accept the Lord as our savior. He cleanses us from all unrighteousness! Although our
spirits are cleansed the consequences of our actions still remain. One of those consequences is the feeling of
emptiness and/or disdain for the other person who we engaged in sexual impurity with (sound like anyone
we’re discussing?)
Now let’s move onto how you’re feeling about it all. And first let me commend you as well for even being
bothered by this. Many people would find nothing wrong with this behavior (especially since our society is
so blasé about sex in the first place). Your disturbed spirit is a sign of your maturity as a
believer…congratulations on the growth my friend! As far as you not speaking up to your friend about
your feelings on this matter because of hypocrisy, consider this…many of today’s world renown preachers
weren’t always preachers (if you catch my drift). Yet, they are able to instruct, guide, to be used by God as a
conduit and deliver the messages we receive in church. This might have been an opportunity for you to
witness to your friend by opening her mind and her heart to seek a more meaningful relationship with God
(one that would give her strength and guidance concerning her sexual life). Should that opportunity
present itself again, seek God’s counsel and ask Him what you should say or if you should even say
anything at all? God adores that type of behavior as it is a sign of wisdom (“The heart of the discerning
acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out” – Proverbs 8:15 AND “Pride only breeds quarrels, but
wisdom is found in those who take advice” – Proverbs 13:10 NIV).
At the end of the day we must remember that our bodies are temples for the Holy Spirit to dwell in. We are
never to defile them but to rather present our bodies as living sacrifices (Rom 12:1-3)
But that is easier said than done now isn’t it? Yet, I truly believe that if we observe God’s declarations about
sex--waiting until we are married—then we will truly see His hand bless that union (this is assuming, of
course, that the marriage placed Him at the head in the first place). This is such a deep topic altogether that I
recommend reading (or referring) the following books; “No More Sheets” by Juanita Bynum, “Every Man’s
Battle; Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time” by Stephen Arterburn & Fred Stoeker,
“Promises From God For Single Women” by T.D. Jakes and “He Loves Me He Loves Me Not: What Every Woman
Wants to Know About Unconditional Love but Is Afraid to Feel” by Paula White.
Until the next time my sisters…Be Blessed!!
attack on her soul. What am I talking about you might ask? I’m speaking of the concept (the very real
concept) of “soul ties”. When God created man, he offered him a helpmate so that man wouldn’t be lonely.
In Genesis 2:24 we see the first concept of earthly marriage (the covenant between man, woman, and God).
As you read the text you’ll come across the resounding passage that “the two will become one flesh”.
Simply put it means that two will become one in mind, body, and spirit. In a God-ordained marriage that
bond is a beautiful thing (in fact it’s the perfect relationship analogous to Christ’s love for the church). But
outside of those realms it becomes a curse. When we engage in sexual activity we are depositing a portion of
our spirit with that other person. God never intended it to be like that, but the introduction of sin into the
world has led this to be a major issue in the lives of believers and unbelievers alike. Think of it as a
handprint. Everything we touch leaves a print. Now imagine all the handprints that are on the
doorknobs/handles of a public facility. Now consider all the germs that accompany those handprints.
So it is with sex. Every person who engages in pre-marital sex passes on that “germ” (aka that portion of
their spirit) onto the next person, who passes it on to the next person and so on and so forth. The only
way to break the cycle of passing germs is to wash your hands on a consistent basis. And that is what
happens when we accept the Lord as our savior. He cleanses us from all unrighteousness! Although our
spirits are cleansed the consequences of our actions still remain. One of those consequences is the feeling of
emptiness and/or disdain for the other person who we engaged in sexual impurity with (sound like anyone
we’re discussing?)
Now let’s move onto how you’re feeling about it all. And first let me commend you as well for even being
bothered by this. Many people would find nothing wrong with this behavior (especially since our society is
so blasé about sex in the first place). Your disturbed spirit is a sign of your maturity as a
believer…congratulations on the growth my friend! As far as you not speaking up to your friend about
your feelings on this matter because of hypocrisy, consider this…many of today’s world renown preachers
weren’t always preachers (if you catch my drift). Yet, they are able to instruct, guide, to be used by God as a
conduit and deliver the messages we receive in church. This might have been an opportunity for you to
witness to your friend by opening her mind and her heart to seek a more meaningful relationship with God
(one that would give her strength and guidance concerning her sexual life). Should that opportunity
present itself again, seek God’s counsel and ask Him what you should say or if you should even say
anything at all? God adores that type of behavior as it is a sign of wisdom (“The heart of the discerning
acquires knowledge; the ears of the wise seek it out” – Proverbs 8:15 AND “Pride only breeds quarrels, but
wisdom is found in those who take advice” – Proverbs 13:10 NIV).
At the end of the day we must remember that our bodies are temples for the Holy Spirit to dwell in. We are
never to defile them but to rather present our bodies as living sacrifices (Rom 12:1-3)
But that is easier said than done now isn’t it? Yet, I truly believe that if we observe God’s declarations about
sex--waiting until we are married—then we will truly see His hand bless that union (this is assuming, of
course, that the marriage placed Him at the head in the first place). This is such a deep topic altogether that I
recommend reading (or referring) the following books; “No More Sheets” by Juanita Bynum, “Every Man’s
Battle; Winning the War on Sexual Temptation One Victory at a Time” by Stephen Arterburn & Fred Stoeker,
“Promises From God For Single Women” by T.D. Jakes and “He Loves Me He Loves Me Not: What Every Woman
Wants to Know About Unconditional Love but Is Afraid to Feel” by Paula White.
Until the next time my sisters…Be Blessed!!
| This is a real life question that I was recently presented with. Since this topic is often suppressed in the church, yet so blatantly a part of the lives we all face, I pray my answer falls on fertile ears & hearts. May we take a very deep look at ourselves and realize Who’s possessions we really are. |
| "Yet, I truly believe that if we observe God’s declarations about sex-- waiting until we are married—then we will truly see His hand bless that union..." |
Dear Reader:
This is an extremely delicate topic in our Christian society. The Bible clearly
states that we are to “flee from sexual immorality.” If we were to be honest about
it, there are many of us who failed to follow that very sound advice. I equate sex
(outside of the covenant of marriage) to Pandora’s Box. Once you start, it is
oftentimes difficult to stop. Notice I used the word difficult, not impossible. Let’s
take a look at how your friends feelings changed toward this guy she was dating
and why?
This is an extremely delicate topic in our Christian society. The Bible clearly
states that we are to “flee from sexual immorality.” If we were to be honest about
it, there are many of us who failed to follow that very sound advice. I equate sex
(outside of the covenant of marriage) to Pandora’s Box. Once you start, it is
oftentimes difficult to stop. Notice I used the word difficult, not impossible. Let’s
take a look at how your friends feelings changed toward this guy she was dating
and why?